My Story…

I am a widow.
I am a mom.
I am child of God.

Whew! That first sentence is painful to write. I have to muster up my courage every time I say it because it hurts and I wish it wasn’t true. I am still at a place of learning to accept this part of my story and I continue to learn what life as a widow and single mom looks like…and who knew I would have to figure all of this out during a global pandemic! What I am most grateful for though, is the gift of learning to allow my grief, my sorrow, my brokenness and my joys to crack me wide open into a fuller, better, more real understanding of myself, of my God and of the people I meet.

I have been blessed to live in 4 different states and all 4 US time zones in my adult life. Here’s the quick rundown…
**I grew up and got married in Texas.
**We moved to California for my husband, Christian, to get his graduate degree from and then work at Fuller Seminary (this is where we had our babies).
**Then Christian accepted a Hospital Chaplain position so we moved to Colorado (our dream state).
**15 months after Christian died we moved to Georgia to live in a wonderful town near his family.

I have spent the last 20 years searching for Truth, Wisdom, Peace, Purpose, Wonder and Meaning. I have found these things in my faith, in my family, in my friends, in nature, in conversation, in books, in tears, in vacations, and in art. I have had many “careers” in executive rolls, creative rolls, mothering rolls, etc…but what I love the most and am most passionate about is walking with others on their journey of life and helping them listen deeper and grow stronger.

Two weeks before Christian died, we were standing in our kitchen and I was going on and on about a meeting I had with my creative coach. I honestly can’t even remember what I was talking about, but what I do remember so clearly is that Christian turned to me and said “Love, you are so much stronger than I am. It’s your turn to follow your dreams.” I was a coach and an artist and a teacher and all kinds of things on the side, but mostly I was a wife and a mother….roles that I cherish more than anything! But I knew God was calling me to something bigger. Christian knew it too and he spoke the words I needed to hear.

Two weeks later, on a lazy Saturday morning, my husband kissed me goodbye while I finished my novel and drank my coffee. He was off to the gym and then back home for a day with our family. An hour later our world changed forever. I got a phone call from the police saying that my husband was having a heart attack and he was being transported to the hospital. My entire body went numb. I couldn’t feel my arms. I had a tingling sensation coursing through every inch of me. At the time, I was scared but thinking….”what! he is 42 years old and healthy, there is no way he can be having a heart attack. he’s going to be fine.” Looking back, my body knew before my head that he was already gone. His heart stopped in the ambulance and by the time I got to the ER, they had been performing CPR for a long long time with no results.

My world came crashing down. My husband was gone. I sat with his body for hours. I cried. I wailed. I asked questions. I was in shock. And I had no idea how I was going to go home and tell my children that their Dad had died.

A common phrase is to “take it one day at a time”….well, when you are in that deep of grief, all I could do was take it one breathe at a time and even that was hard. Little by little we kept waking up and moving forward. With the help of so many family and friends, the kids and I began to smile again. And eventually, those words that Christian spoke to me before he died came back.

“Love, you are so much stronger than I am. It’s your turn to follow your dreams.”

I have learned what deep grief is, but I have also learned a new way to do grief. I have allowed myself to feel all of the pain. I have allowed myself to question. I have allowed myself to be angry. I have allowed myself to be heartbroken. AND. I have allowed myself to smile. I have allowed myself to trust. I have allowed myself to believe. I have allowed myself to find meaning. I have allowed myself to keep going.

Although I have been coaching throughout my career, I decided to follow the plan Christian and I set for me to get my coaching certification through an ICF program. I am proud of all that I have accomplished since that sad Saturday that changed everything and I am continuing to take one step at a time and build a life for my children and I that is fruitful, meaningful, joyful and full of conversation about their Daddy. Believe me when I say that the “thin veil” between here and eternity is very thin! We have seen and felt Christian in amazing ways….ways that I will share with anyone who asks (and I write about it a lot). I am incredibly grateful that I have learned to allow God to open my eyes to so much more Wisdom and Truth than I ever could have imagined.

This is me. This is us.
Walking hand-in-hand with each other one step at a time.
And living my dream of being a Life Coach and walking hand-in-hand with so many others!
We were not made to be alone.
And there is Beauty within all of our Brokenness if we have the courage to open our eyes.