I drove myself 35 minutes into Atlanta.
I was nervous.
It felt unknown
like so many things in life right now.
I was taking what I hoped was the next right step for me and for my children.
I did not expect to have such a visceral reaction when I arrived.

I pulled in.
The National Guard greeted me.
They checked my papers.
They checked my ID.
They made sure I had an appointment.
They directed me forward to wait my turn.

This is when the reality of so many things hit me.

I waited in the car line
looking around at so many people there to get a shot
to feel some sense of protection
to find some sort of hope or an end to this pandemic

I watched nurses speak to each person
I watched uniformed soldiers walk around
I watched neighboring drivers aimlessly scrolling on their phones
The car in front of me had at least 8 people getting vaccinated
I waited

Then it was my turn
The lovely nurse approached my car and said
”How are you today?”
Tears
Just
Tears

She kindly held my hand and said
”What’s wrong”

I told her my story
She told me hers

Then the bandaid was on
I didn’t feel a thing
I was so engrossed with sharing a sacred moment
It was done
A kind National Guardsmen who saw me crying
said he wished he had a lollipop to give me

I smiled
”Me too” I said

Then I waited in the observation area
A nurse told me all of the symptoms to watch out for
I was instructed to honk my horn if I noticed any

I sat
I cried
I sobbed
I wailed

I cried for the 525,000+ people who have died
I cried for their families
I cried for my family
I cried for Christian
I cried for all of the fear I have felt this last year
These last 2 years
I cried for the vulnerability of being human
I cried for my children
I cried that the world is so broken
I cried in relief that there is Hope
I cried in the realization of how much I have done alone
How much I continue to have to do alone
I cried

Then I drove home
Back to reality
Back to children
Back to school carpool lines
Back to the every day

There is Hope
I am grateful I was blessed to receive a vaccine
I am grateful that I have remained healthy
I am grateful for my joys

And…
I am exhausted
I am deeply sad
The one thing I wish I could change
I can’t
I can’t bring him back to life
Ever
No matter how much I yearn to

This
This is why I cried